Difference Between Shame vs Toxic Shame?

Explore the key differences between shame vs toxic shame, how they impact your mental health, and practical ways to cope with them. Learn how to recognise the signs and seek healing.

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Introduction

Let’s face it, we’ve all felt that uneasy flush creeping up our necks after making a mistake, right? That feeling when you just wish the earth would swallow you whole. But here’s the thing: not all shame is the same. There’s a big difference between your run-of-the-mill, “oops, I messed up” feeling and the overwhelming, all-consuming emotion of toxic shame.

If you’ve ever found yourself spiralling into a pit of self-loathing, questioning your worth, or feeling like you’re fundamentally flawed, then you’ve likely encountered toxic shame. But what exactly is it, and how does it differ from “normal” shame? In this article, we’re diving into the difference between Shame vs Toxic Shame, and how to handle both in a way that helps, rather than hurts.

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What is Shame?

Shame is a natural human emotion. It’s that uncomfortable feeling we get when we do something that goes against our personal values or social norms. It can be triggered by a mistake, an embarrassing situation, or when we feel like we’ve let others down. The key thing about shame is that it’s usually temporary. You feel ashamed for a short period, but once the issue is resolved or forgiven, that uncomfortable feeling passes.

For instance, let’s say you accidentally spill coffee on your friend’s new shirt. You’d probably feel embarrassed, maybe a bit guilty, and apologise. That’s shame in action. It makes you realise you’ve done something wrong, but it doesn’t make you believe you’re a bad person forever. It’s a bit of a wake-up call, really – a nudge to do better next time.

Signs of Normal Shame:

• Feeling embarrassed after a social slip-up.
• Apologising for a mistake or offence.
• Realising you’ve acted in a way that goes against your values.
• Acknowledging your flaws, but still maintaining a sense of self-worth.

In short, shame serves a useful purpose. It encourages self-reflection and growth. But, when this feeling becomes prolonged or internalised, that’s when we start talking about something far more destructive – toxic shame.

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What is Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame, on the other hand, is a whole different beast. It’s not just about recognising that you’ve done something wrong; it’s about believing that you, yourself, are inherently wrong, unworthy, or defective. It’s a pervasive feeling that colours everything you do. Rather than just feeling bad for a mistake, you start to feel like you are a mistake.

When toxic shame takes hold, it doesn’t just fade after a minor apology or a shift in perspective. It can linger for years, affecting your self-esteem, relationships, and even your ability to take risks or try new things.

Signs of Toxic Shame:

• A constant feeling of inadequacy or worthlessness.
• Avoiding situations where you might be judged or criticised.
• Fear of being “found out” or exposed for your flaws.
• A deep belief that you don’t deserve love, success, or happiness.
• Over-apologising for things that aren’t even your fault.
• Feeling like your mistakes are a reflection of your identity.

In many cases, toxic shame stems from childhood experiences, neglect, or abuse. If you were raised in an environment where love was conditional or criticism was frequent, you may have internalised those messages, believing you were never good enough.

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Key Differences Between Shame vs Toxic Shame

You might be wondering: how can you tell whether you’re experiencing normal shame or toxic shame? The truth is, it’s all about how the feeling manifests and how long it sticks around. Here’s a quick breakdown to help you see the difference:

1. Duration of the Feeling (Shame vs Toxic Shame):

• Shame: Usually temporary and fades once the situation is resolved.
• Toxic Shame: Persistent and can last for years, often affecting multiple areas of life.

2. Focus (Shame vs Toxic Shame):

• Shame: Directed at actions or behaviours (e.g., “I made a mistake”).
• Toxic Shame: Directed at the self, believing you are fundamentally flawed (e.g., “I am a mistake”).

3. Impact on Self-Worth (Shame vs Toxic Shame):

• Shame: Doesn’t necessarily affect overall self-esteem. You can still believe you’re a good person, despite the slip-up.
• Toxic Shame: Undermines self-worth, causing feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

4. Ability to Move On (Shame vs Toxic Shame):

• Shame: You can learn from the experience and move on.
• Toxic Shame: Creates an emotional block that makes it hard to forgive yourself or others.

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Why Does Toxic Shame Happen?

So, where does toxic shame come from? While everyone experiences shame from time to time, toxic shame tends to develop over a longer period, often as a result of past trauma or toxic environments. Here are a few common causes:

Childhood Experiences (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

Many people with toxic shame grew up in environments where they were frequently criticised or made to feel that they were never good enough. This could be due to neglect, emotional abuse, or living in a household with unrealistic expectations. If love and acceptance were only offered when you behaved a certain way, you might start to believe that you’re only worthy of love when you meet others’ expectations – leaving you vulnerable to deep feelings of shame.

Perfectionism (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

Perfectionists often deal with toxic shame because they hold themselves to unrealistically high standards. If they don’t meet these standards, they feel worthless or like they’ve failed as a person. This can create a vicious cycle where they constantly strive for perfection, only to feel shame when they inevitably fall short.

Social Conditioning (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

In some cases, society or cultural pressures can instil feelings of toxic shame. For instance, if you’re made to feel ashamed of your body, background, or identity, that shame can become internalised over time. You start to see these things as inherently wrong, rather than recognising them as part of who you are.

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How to Heal from Toxic Shame

Alright, so now that we know the difference between shame and toxic shame, what can we do about it? If you’re dealing with toxic shame, know this: it’s possible to heal. It takes time and effort, but it’s absolutely within your reach. Here are a few steps that can help:

1. Acknowledge the Shame (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

The first step in healing is recognising that what you’re feeling isn’t just “normal” shame – it’s toxic shame. Once you understand this, you can begin to separate the emotion from your sense of self-worth.

2. Challenge Negative Beliefs (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

Toxic shame often comes with a bunch of negative beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable.” These beliefs are simply not true. Start challenging them by reminding yourself of your positive qualities, past successes, and the love and support you have in your life.

3. Seek Therapy or Counselling (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

Sometimes, toxic shame is too heavy to tackle on your own. Speaking to a therapist can be incredibly helpful. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), for example, can help you reframe your thoughts and shift your perspective on yourself.

4. Practice Self-Compassion (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show a friend. If you wouldn’t berate someone else for making a mistake, don’t do it to yourself. Be gentle and understanding with your flaws.

5. Build Healthy Boundaries (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

Learning to set boundaries is key to overcoming toxic shame. It helps you protect yourself from people who might reinforce those feelings of inadequacy and helps you create healthier, more supportive relationships.

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Conclusion (Shame vs Toxic Shame)

Shame is a normal part of the human experience, but toxic shame can have a long-lasting impact on your mental health and wellbeing. By recognising the difference between the two, you can start to tackle toxic shame head-on and take steps toward healing. Remember, you are not defined by your mistakes or flaws. You’re a work in progress, and with the right support and tools, you can move past toxic shame and embrace a healthier sense of self-worth.

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What is Toxic Shame and How it Affect Your Life?

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By: Ardansharma

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